Little Miss Victim

Before finalizing my divorce, I was 50 pounds heavier than I wanted to be. I called it emotional weight combined with weight gain from having a hormonal-IUD. In the fall of 2020, I ditched the IUD because I hated the side effects from it. And then I took a yoga training program in January 2021. And then in March 2021, I got divorced officially. And then I moved to Los Angeles one week later. And within 6 months, I had effortlessly lost 50 pounds.

I shouldn’t say effortlessly because huge lifestyle changes were made, but it somehow felt so easy…

I had a binge eating disorder for as long as I could remember. Cookie dough, ice cream, and brownie batter were staple dinner items for me. I never really gained weight from eating badly though until I had the hormonal-IUD put in. Then I gained 30 lbs in 2 months, and slowly gained another 20 lbs.

Anyway, after I started my divorce in August 2020, I worked with a health coach for a few months who got me onto celery juice and morning smoothies, and taught me that I had a choice when it came to food (I genuinely never knew this before- it was always food controlling me), and like that, my sugar cravings went away. That’s when I noticed that I was slowly getting thinner, once the IUD was out and the nightly binge eating stopped, weight slowly started falling off me.

Then in March 2021, I moved to Los Angeles….where I effortlessly started to walk daily as a way to explore my new city, and hike every weekend as a way to enjoy nature. I also started intermittently eating vegan food because my then new best friend was vegan, and I found that eating vegan food was a good way to get vegetables in me.

Finally, after 6 months of lifestyle changes and not trying too hard, I realized I had lost 50 pounds.

I honestly felt like the luckiest girl in the world… I loved my new body and I got it without having to work too, too hard for it, at least that's what it felt like.

For whatever reason, I kept some fancy pairs of shorts that I used to wear at my skinniest in college. And I remember this moment very clearly … I was in my apartment in LA when I reached into the drawer that housed these hopeful shorts, and low and behold, they all FIT ME. Perfectly. That’s when I realized how much weight I had lost and how much I loved my body.

I was honestly in better shape than I’d ever been in, because even when I was younger and skinny, I didn’t really ever have an exercise routine. NOW, I had daily yoga, walking, hiking and sometimes even a little roller blading in my life.

Anyway, this was really a boring intro, but I knew you needed back story….

Fast forward to 2026, and a lot of things are going well, but there’s something I’m just so, so utterly stuck on….my weight.

I’m now 55 pounds heavier than I want to be. I’ve actually put an extra 5 lbs on since my previous heaviest weight in 2020.

But a LOT more than just my weight has changed. Since different variables cause different outcomes, I should lay out all the variables I can think of.

I’m in a great new relationship, I live in Connecticut now, I don’t juice daily anymore, I don’t eat vegan anymore, I don’t make morning smoothies every day anymore, I barely walk, I don’t work out or do yoga, I’m on Lithium and Vraylar (meds known to make people gain a ton of weight), I’ve had 5 miscarriages in the last year, which means I’ve been pregnant 5 times in the last year, which is enough to throw any person off course, I don’t feel inspired or excited by where I live, I don’t live walking distance to anything, I eat poorly and occasionally I binge eat when things in my life go really south, and I don’t feel much drive or desire to take good care of myself like I did when I lost all that weight.

So I guess you could say a lot has changed, and no kidding I feel and look like a shit-sandwich nowadays.

For years, actual years, I have put 95% of the blame on my newer medications, Lithium and Vraylar. I blame them for all the weight I gained. And quite frankly, that is actually (sort of) fair because so much of my weight gain coincided with when I started these meds and when I increased the dosage of these meds.

But… it’s also not fair to me to put 100% of the blame on the medication, because that takes 100% of the responsibility away from me and the ability to change out of my hands.

That’s the part that's REALLY unfair….if I play the victim, then who is going to fight for me, who is going to come save me? The honest answer is: no one. No one is going to help me lose weight or fight for me to make better choices.

What a disempowered, watered down version of myself I am (realizing this in live time). Shit.

So much about my life has changed, and what I really mean is that I have conceded power in so many areas of my life, and totally disempowered myself as a result.

The cliff notes version: it’s all my fault.

I knew that the new meds could cause me to gain weight, so I could’ve been proactive and started eating better and exercising again.

When I decided passively not to take a proactive approach, and once I noticed I had gained some weight, I could’ve taken a reactive approach and started eating better and exercising.

But instead, with each pound that I gained, I took a victim’s mindset and blamed everyone and everything (the meds) else.

I don’t want to paint myself as SUCH a useless twat though….because there were periods of time that I'd try by working out consistently or walking a little more, but none of the things that needed to happen in synchronized fashion ever happened together (like exercise 4x per week + eat healthy meals at-home 6 days per week, for example).

But overall, I've allowed myself to play powerless victim for wayyyy too long, and I'm ready to reclaim my power, my body, and my life.

That said: I’m super open to suggestions for how to tackle my healthy journey ahead. Please feel free to comment your advice below!

Signed,

No longer a victim